It’s good news week!

I’m sure we all know something of the story written by the prolific author Hans Christian Andersen, (author of “The Little Mermaid”)…

The story, based on a 14th Century Spanish cautionary tale, is one of a vain emperor, a couple of con-men posing as tailors, some alleged clothing made from a “special” fabric -invisible to those unfit for their position or “hopelessly stupid” and said emperor’s parade of his new (invisible) clothes before his ministers and subjects all of whom, are too fearful to tell the truth..

The visual that comes to mind of a naked leader-type parading around in front of a bunch of onlookers cannot be “unseen”..

The emperor in question led by fear. No-one around him except for a young child with nothing invested in the outcome, is willing to tell him the truth and the Emperor himself, is afraid of admitting it as it will expose his folly. Knowledge is indeed, power.

(Of course, the corollary to the story is fact that every onlooker in the tale is equally unfit for their position or hopelessly stupid.)

Unfortunately it’s all too common among leaders (Geopolitical and Workplace) and perhaps, even belies a trait that predisposes them to these roles.

Nevertheless, the fear of truthfulness and accountability and the subsequent behaviour it drives is what constrains an organisations of 35, 35,000 or 350,000,000 from being truly “Great”.

Fast forward to today and much has changed except NAB’s market position with it’s shares hovering around it’s post GFC lows..

And the US market’s march onward and (mostly) upward is being upheld as the sign of a strong economy when nothing could be further from the truth…

“That force and strength must not get through, I, with the gentlest of touch may do. A great many in the streets to stand if I were not to be readily at hand.”

What am I?

Have a great week!

..Sometimes, quite literally.

Many a schoolyard Valentine couple courted, paired, and almost as quickly, separated under the galvanised (and galvanising) steel, imposing and unyielding framework embodied by the “Monkey-Bar”

“Monkey-Bars” (a reductionist rephrasing of “Bars climbed by the offspring of Homo sapiens”)  were also the silent witness to many a consummating kiss,  bottle “spun” , dare-met or truth-told, not to mention the occasional, clandestine, midnight ritual of adult impersonation that involved cigarette-smoking and consumption of alcohol –traditionally stolen from the family liquor cabinet or procured by an older sibling.

They were also a secret weapon. A deceptively simple and robust instrument intended to lure, trap and eliminate small children.

Their design was clearly flawed as they only served to maim and temporarily incapacitate their remarkably resilient victims.

The others learned vicariously and stayed away or, became adept at hanging upside-down, walking atop the framework, or leaping and swinging from bar to bar. They became the high-rise Window Cleaners, Adventure Guides, Roofing plumbers and Antenna-Installers of today!

As part of a secret, coordinated plan to control population, “Monkey-Bars” (along with unanchored backyard swing sets, uncontrollable billy-carts without brakes or helmets, legal fireworks and Bindeez) proved to be largely ineffective for their intended purpose.

On the contrary; we children survived and (mostly) prospered, eliminating the dangers of our youth along the way via legislation, rounded edges and inordinate quantities of soft padding…

..and that’s just in the First World!

Other unforeseen impacts resulting from the presence of Monkey-bars include:

• A steady stream of maimed children with overly-concerned parents as a principal funding source for a slew of local medical practitioners.
• An environment where you can quite literally “fall” for someone and be “dropped” -almost in the same session.
• Inspiration for a clothes-horse.
• Somewhere to store excess children.

As a 10yrs-old on Valentine’s Day when, under the school playground Monkey-Bars, the object of my affection -backed by a handful of her minders- delivered her chilling message..:

“You’re dropped!”

The current object of my affection was similarly, positioned at the opposite end with a gaggle of minders and interested parties assembled behind and alongside. A formidable backdrop indeed.

Upon reflection the scene almost reminds me of the classic TV Western standard: A windblown and dusty main street, bookended by two, scowling protagonists, Gunslingers, staring each other down, poised to outdraw and shoot the opponent… 

..except, they were greater in number.

In reality, it was much more one-sided and akin to a “lamb to the slaughter”

I’d like to pretend it was a bit of both….

I had been called into “the office”. The occasion being, the love of my (10yrs-long) life informing me that my services were no longer required.

..in not so many words..

And, just like that, our roller-coaster relationship of two weeks’, was over by her hand.

The conversation was brief. The message of termination was conveyed quickly and succinctly using verbal and non verbal cues. It immediately banished all questions and simultaneously, precluded any further discussion,.

We all parted ways with a common understanding of the outcome.

In today’s terms: the intent was rapidly executed via a very brief (albeit effective), face-to-face exchange between the key stakeholders and witnesses.

With the prevalence of impersonal, text-based communications I would wager it seems much more difficult to accurately communicate a message that could be effectively delivered in person in a few words or less!

In seconds…

..at 10yrs old!

Could it be that, as we became adults, we unlearned?

Yay Us!

We’ve been very good and “..earned an early mark..”

In accordance with Australian Govenrment-eased COVID-19 restrictions; State of Victoria, stage 1, version 0.03, build 0.1.b, etc, our journey out of the COVID-19 “stage 3” restrictions has begun!

To say we have beaten the virus is a long, long bow to draw as it seems we will be living with it for the foreseeable future.

Nevertheless, the easing of restrictions evokes that feeling of relief we felt as children when, after the non gender-identifying bogey was thought to have moved on, we tentatively emerged from beneath “.the Doona..” to realise all was well with the world..

In reality, it looks much more like a frenzied stampede as the doors open on a “Boxing Day Sale” at a major retailer:

As roads, shopping malls, and parks rapidly filled with “Iso” refugees following the Prime Minister’s announcement of eased restrictions on Friday 8th May (even before many States had announced their own plans), I wondered, could the primary driver be a pent-up need for socialising, or merely an opportunity to put some (most respectful) distance between you and your loved ones after so much “quality time”..?

And, as the “covers” continue to be lifted, and “COVID-19” begets “TORRID-20” the paradoxes, dilemmas contradictions and opportunities emerge.

A vast majority of us continue to live the “Schrodinger’s cat” quantum physics paradox of multiple simultaneous outcomes: tested or untested, “Infected” (Enforced isolation, social distancing, rigorous hygiene, etc.) and “Not infected” ( Enforced isolation, social distancing, rigorous hygiene, etc.).

Speaking of cats (again), it seems that Big Cats in the Bronx zoo have tested positive for SARS-COV-2/COVID-19 . For some this must surely be a disappointing turn of events…

The pandemic response has proffered the opportunity (which some companies have genuinely embraced) for the accelerated transformation of centralised, office-based work-forces. Technologically-enabled, they have quickly adapted to extended, “virtual” workplace boundaries and routines, moving in some cases literally, overnight- toward a distributed “off premises” model.

In doing so, this also challenges the artefacts of 19th-century workplace culture and management practices that despite the contemporary rhetoric, persist in many businesses for whom we recommend some of the best tools. You can read about it at the link. Underlying themes such as: “input” over “output”, mistrust of the workforce (and it’s stablemate presenteeism) and an enduring love-hate relationship with (expensive) real-estate -regularly feature. Moreover, it provides a ready gauge of the integrity & resolve of those organisations wishing to avoid contradicting themselves (publicly) in their claims of embracing “flexible working” and offering the choice to “telecommute” as a draw-card for new talent. Additionally, if you want to know the benefits of paystub generator, you can read this article for more information. If you’re looking for an online paycheck for free, check out these helpful resources at freehtmldesigns.com.

Doubtless, and perhaps, despite, lingering un/under employment and the resulting labour oversupply, this will have implications for the post-pandemic “Workplaces of choice”..

As for dilemmas..

Where do I start..?

Not unlike our young adult sons, I find myself all-too-regularly revisiting the contents of our pantry and fridge hoping to spot a previously unseen, tasty and satisfying treasure for immediate consumption and wondering, do I…?:

• Snack on the 2-minute noodles, Monte Carlos or Corn Chips?
• Have:
  • Breakfast,
  • Morning tea
  • Elevenses
  • Brunch
  • All of the above.
• Or, in the absence of RTE (Ready To Eat), rise to the “Pantry Challenge” by creating a culinary masterpiece from , a tin of tuna, a can of baked beans and Vegemite…

Lest we forget that, along with the environmental & ecological benefits that come with COVID-19-reduced travel, there are many other things for which, there is also cause for gratitude.

Call-out to all cat-owners up for a class-action against China!!

I hope you had a great weekend.

The words of “(The) Captain” played by Strother Martin in the 1967 Cinema Production of “Cool Hand Luke”.

He was referring to the (apparently) recalcitrant “Luke” played by Paul Newman.

Compared to the prolific, dubious quality and often conflicting communications from our fearful/fearsome/fearless leaders and mainstream media, juxtaposed with the actions of those being led over the last 2 weeks, the cause of “The Captain’s”  failure is an uncomplicated and simple one to recognise and articulate:

“..Some men you just cain’t reach!”

(In this instance “men” could also be variously substituted with “Entire populations”, “Nations” and/or “Politicians”)*

(I love brackets)

Moving right along..

The luckless Paul Newman “Luke” is not to be confused with this character from the minds and hands of Renè Goscinny (Asterix) and Morris 1955-1977.

The French text translates thus: “The man who shoots faster than his shadow”

Rebooted and adapted for the larger-than-(real) life caricatures of today:  “The person who engages mouth before starting brain….”

I have often wondered if the cartoon character was inspiration for the movie and eventually, real-life.

And to complete the “life-imitates-art-imitates-life” round-trip, in commemoration of the life and works of Alberto (Albert) Uderzo 25 April 1927 – 24 March 2020 whom, together with Renè Goscinny created “Asterix”, here’s a couple of examples that typify their irreverent and insightful humour: 

(Goscinny/Uderzo no longer wrote or illustrated the series at this time however, the commentary continued to reflect the“zeitgeist”and was delivered in a similarly humorous vein)

..And this from the original, ”Asterix the Gaul” (1959) exemplifies the ongoing, mutually-assured aggravation between “Fulliautomatix”, the village blacksmith and “Unhygenix”, the local fish monger…

Still on topic: I have cause to wonder if, once the outbreak subsides, whether we will have learnt (and hopefully integrated) what our parents and OCD peers have been preaching to us all along..

Basic hygiene.

And whilst I attempt to wage a battle against primordial urges and automaticity that seems destined to,

..here’s a few of my favourite tips on weekend activities to keep both hands busy thereby making touching your face difficult if not downright dangerous..!:

..And one for the cyclists..

Have a great weekend.

P.S. I welcome any feedback, content suggestions, quotes, entertaining images or other contributions.

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Another famous, (wrong) call of history:

“I’m still going to the footy” -PM Scott Morrison moments after announcing his plans to ban gatherings of >500 on (Friday) 13^th March, 2020

A lot can change in 14 days…

Who would be the winner of a battle between The Terminator and Walker -Texas Ranger?

It’s been the subject of many hours of bar-room, school-yard and online speculation, flaming, hero-worship, soap-boxing, right-fighting, sleepless nights and expensive therapy.

Over the years, we’ve watched as the entertaining interpretations of similar musings and discourse unfold:

• Batman vs Superman
• Predator vs Alien
• Terminator vs Terminator 2
• Turnbull vs Abbott “My dad’s a Policeman”
• Gillard vs Rudd “First Blood”
• Rudd vs Gillard “Encore” (At least Labour demonstrated Gender Balance!)

Noting that, for the bottom three, It could be argued that the involvement of “real” players added an extra dimension of credibility!

The phenomenon shuns the civilised common, altruistic metaphor for the “struggle between good and evil” as, in this scenario, both antagonists are peers.

Instead, the contest becomes purely one of superior force and endurance with the primary objective being, the effective annihilation of the opponent (or at least until either first utters a statement along the lines of, “The Caucus has spoken. I accept the Caucus’ verdict… [for now]”, “There will be no wrecking, no undermining or sniping” [I promise!] or the more visceral, “I’d rather be a loser than a quitter”)..thereby, cementing “Victor” status.

It’s reminiscent of the Roman Games and also applicable to many cash incentive-driven organisational cultures!

#justsayin

To the original question, I would venture an answer..

..It depends..

That’s because, much like this guy and the non-deposit holdings portion of a Commercial Bank’s total lending reserves…Messrs ”Ranger” and “Terminator” aren’t real!

The characters are virtual constructs and not unlike puppets, entirely subject to their master’s agenda (be it a writer, electorate, government, funding source, etc..).

It may be that our ability to differentiate what is real from the alternative peaks at around eight years of age –according to this research.

It begs the question: What happens after that???

As Mr Reid came to know, it seems that if we are suggestible to something untrue being fact, for a long enough period, we may well come to believe it!

It’s the stuff of elections, impeachments and GFCs……

But I digress..

Refocusing on the objects of our original dilemma..:

Recasting the opponents of this epic battle, we have the “real-life” Arnold “Arnie” Schwarzenegger and Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris.

In the blue corner…

Arnie, AKA “The Terminator”.

• Former “Mr Universe” and 7-time “Mr Olympia”  winner.
• The original “Conan the Barbarian” (Sounds like a WWE wrestler’s moniker!)

A proponent and practitioner of serial typecasting, “The Governator” transferred his acting skills to U.S. State Politics to serve as the 38th Governor of California from 2003 to 2011

Quick witted, articulate and armed with a formidable array of popular sound-bites, Arnie could go toe to toe with the best and better many in a “prank-call-off” or Breakfast TV debate.

In the red corner..

(The) Chuck Norris. Tough-guy royalty. The subject of numerous, similar hypothetical face-offs and -by all accounts the winner of every one.

A successful Martial-Artist and creator of “Chun Kuk Do” 

The famous victor following a protracted staring competition with the Sun.

Reputed to have refused a role in “The Block” as he wanted it renamed to “Knock Your Block Off” (I happen to think it’s a brilliant bit of wordplay and belies Chuck’s superior intelligence)

In a “Hollywood Tonight” interview alongside Sylvester Stallone, the interviewer asks “Sly” Stallone..

“How many push-ups can you do?”

Stallone responds, “620”

The interviewer then turns to Chuck Norris and says,

“Chuck, what about you?”

Chuck’s response…,

“All of them”

This battle will be over almost before it begins….

Chuck, in a decisive display of “Shock-n-Awe”, whilst attempting to execute a crippling, double-inverted, Montenegrin-guillotine snap-kick will have his view obscured and suffer Spatial Disorientation when a fog-bank of Havana-rolled cigar smoke created by his opponent, instantly engulfs him and obscures his target.

Flabbergasted and (presumably, quite miffed) Chuck will execute a backward, tuck-n-roll (don’t try this at home) to “Kiba-Dachi” ready for the next lethal move.

Cloaked in the dense, acrid smoke created by Havana’s signature export, Arnie will have taken his leave and barely audible, will be the memorable, modernised retake (now a universal meme) based on Douglas MacArthur’s famous, 1942 commitment to the Philippines (a political speech he made from the safety of Melbourne mind you..),

“I’ll be back”.

And as history (fantasy and otherwise) subsequently demonstrated..

..indeed they were. Many times..

Oh, how I remember that day!

Actually, I don’t.

But I do remember being “Bin Monitor” for a day.

The heady combination of performance anxiety & breathless anticipation of the great fortune my new status as “most revered” by my peers would bring, proved to be simultaneously, traumatic and exhilarating.

The burden of responsibility that came with the role weighed heavily on my nine-years-old shoulders as I began to contemplate the significant impact of making a mistake.

It would certainly be a disaster should I fail in my duties in front of an audience of my peers that included the love of my life (and her minders).

What may be the consequence of so visible a gaff?

Would I find myself destined to spend a lifetime desperately seeking redemption for my failure as a bin monitor through eternal peer or professional validation?

Perhaps I would become an embittered “Garbo“, the sinewy poster-child of the proletariat, swinging from the back of the dump truck at 6 a.m., five days per week, rain, hail or shine like some freighthopping hobo?

From my solitary foothold at the rear of an alternately, squealing and bellowing behemoth lurching through the pre-dawn streets, I would swoop like some mustachioed, moon-tanned figure of the apocalypse -a creature of garbage-can “prey”, replete in my stubbies and sleeveless shirt, to seize a pair of once, shiny and galvanised now, scarred and beaten steel bins, frozen, awaiting that weekly, few seconds of furious violence as I hammer their shells against the compactor until their insides spill out before discarding their empty carcasses..

Or could a worse fate befall me?

Would I instead become the “Garbo” that pioneered and perfected the practice of self isolation or “Iso” before it became all the rage?

It was not to be. That school day came and went uneventfully. At it’s conclusion, I carried the bin (more aptly named “waste-basket”) out to it’s larger sibling in the hallway and shook most of the contents out save for some mysterious and scary looking masses clinging tenaciously to their host.

I learned much from that day:

• Banana skins always stick to the bottom.
• There will always be at least one, unrecognisable item that looks suspiciously like contact would be lethal or result in a lingering and painful illness.
• The successful execution of my role did not engender mass adulation from my peers.
• The future is a “ghost” and rumination over it is pointless.

Math Challenge April 2020:

Ashley is a hairdresser and Toni is a personal trainer.

They are planning a wedding in an open-air food court.

All the guests will be Ashley or Toni’s clients and employees (except for the Celebrant).

How many people can attend the ceremony?

Here is a list of some of the more prosaic, workplace phenomena eliminated by social distancing:

• Watercooler conversations
• The lobby/foyer/food court, approaching, “Which side shall we pass each other?” dance.
• Escalator “overtaking-lane” hogs
• Social media notifications emanating from toilet cubicles.
• The morning cafe order “race condition”
• The mysterious fork/teaspoon “black hole”
• Awkward, revolving-door-halting “segment overload”
• Stepping on toes. (Physically, not metaphorically)

Some other perspectives on the current situation courtesy of boredpanda.com:

Have a great weekend.

Thanks to Jess for the pen licence/bin monitor inspiration!

P.S. I welcome any feedback, content suggestions, quotes, entertaining images or other contributions.

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I’m calling for a mass resurgence of interest in the “The Office” (citing nostalgic reasons…)

Like so many “Diamond Princess” passengers brimming with anticipation and excitement about the impending journey, joyfully waving farewell to their kinfolk and beloved as the cruise ship cast-off from Yokohama on January 20..

..We wave ‘goodbye’ to another week of remote working.

Like Woolies enforcing social distancing, ushering in a single shopper as one exits..

..So too, we welcome another week of remote working.

I remain optimistic that once the cost of Intragenerational Trauma and financial/fiscal stimulus is tallied, there’ll be enough money left in the coffers to pay for Avtur and plenty of Dunlop H46 aircraft tyres to keep our new, government-owned Qantas-branded local and international airline working overtime.

If you’ve ever wondered why the tyres don’t burst at altitude or on landing, here’s the rub…

Here are some other perspectives on how we manage our need for social interaction at the end of a digital conduit…

And last but by no means least…

Have a great day!

Formerly known as, Rug-rats, Lino-lizards, Ankle-biters, Curtain-climbers and Nose-miners to name a few, Gen-Z are now adolescents, leaving those endearing titles to the following generation.

Gen Z-ers…Order yours now -while they still know everything!

“Pantry Raiders” is an apt title. The Pandemic “Panic-buying” and Nordic pillaging and plundering of the coast of England seem downright civilised when compared  to a swarm of hungry adolescents within striking range (10 metres or less) of a pantry or refrigerator.

Empirical observation suggests that 10 Metres seems to be a significant distance. Mysteriously, if they are located any further from the food source and they’ll reach for UberEats or journey to the local convenience store instead…

I heard something a couple of days ago that left me incredulous…

A proclamation I never thought I’d hear from the speaker..

“I can’t do video games all day!!”

..This, from my 19 yrs.-old son whom, prior to “social distancing” took every available opportunity (and created some that weren’t) to do just that!

I recall an urban legend from my youth that told the story of a parent (whom regularly smoked) wishing to discourage their tobacco-infatuated offspring (go figure!) by furnishing a packet of full-strength cigarettes and standing by whilst the unfortunate teenager chain-smoked the entire contents.

Whilst we hope that increased awareness of learned behaviour, role-modelling and the prospect of an unexpected visit from Child Protection Services escorted by the Police would have “put paid” to that approach today, via a remarkably similar process and an indirect impact of the current outbreak, the desensitisation of my son to the novelty and appeal of “screen time”, is a phenomenon.

I am writing from the perspective of my own experience however, I’d be surprised if there weren’t similar stories out there..

Nevertheless, I’ll claim it as a positive outcome and hope that once “the covers come off” it persists….

The question is..

What takes its place?

I suspect that, in time I’ll discover a lot more about the answers than I ever wanted to know….

Meanwhile, for those of us searching for practical and innovative ideas to manage the working-at-home environment thereby reducing the likelihood of “Going Postal”, here’s a few simple examples:

Or..

Here’s something a little less draconian:

According to the Edward de Bono playbook, your desk goes inside the playpen….

Have a great weekend.

“What’s up Doc??”

(My)18-year-old son to father: “Hey Dad guess what I’ve got”

The “Shock and Awe” of the sudden, random, potential for a multi-syllabic conversation with said son, causes the father (me) to pause and lower his eyes for a few seconds whilst collecting his myriad of (frankly, scary) thoughts.

Leaping to the most terrifying conclusion, he slowly raises his head and wincing as he replies…:

“A child?”

I won’t bore you with the rest of the conversation. Suffice to say, Son apparently failed to sense the gravity of the non-verbal cues and sentiment expressed in the response…..

He probably classified as a “Dad joke” or “Boomer Humour”..

It turns out that he had acquired, a baby rabbit (carried in his pocket no less).

This was a remarkably similar scenario to that involving our (at the time, brand-new) family dog 10 years prior, which also came along with the pre-requisite assurances that he would be responsible for the care and nurture of the beast for the rest of it’s natural life..

I was concerned. The promise rang hollow. Going around in my head were the words of Ben Bernanke, Fed Governor, at Milton Friedman’s 90^th birthday in 2002 when referring to the Great Depression and the role of the Central Banks:

“..we won’t do it again.”

Some key information that he did not appear to have taken into account:

• An alive and well competitor in our pet dog that had enjoyed “only furry child” status for the last 10 years. -We now have a depressed “Mutley” (AKA “Dexter”) with separation anxiety and abandonment issues. 
• No rabbit-friendly accommodation (apparently it was going to live in his pocket and sleep in his room!) Once it became obvious that rabbits have a very active digestive system and all that entails, that option was swiftly, silently vanished.
• Impending travel arrangements that would require in-home care!
• The household fire electrical damage and roast-bunny risks associated with rodent/electrical cables proximity

He proceeds to justify the acquisition via a story of adolescent inspiration and foresight:

“A mate” came upon a litter of baby rabbits and thought that it would be a magnanimous gesture to bestow the “gift” of a rabbit to each of his “mates” to the extent that he could only accommodate as many “mates” as there were rabbits.

Here follows, my interpretation of adolescent peer relations and status.

In the generation of “..1000 of my closest FB friends”… there were obviously more ‘mates” than bunnies.

Son was one of the few to get a rabbit (I believe there were 10 or so) hence, the rabbit became a symbol for an elevation of his “mate” status within the cohort.

And collaterally, as always there is the same ultimately pragmatic, unspoken and inevitable answer as to who would provide the necessary framework to accommodate the imaginatively-named “Boing-Boing”..

Mum and Dad.

So that my wife and I can feel better about ourselves, here’s a picture of “Boing-Boing” (it quite literally “rolls off the tongue” doesn’t it?)

Cute yes, but calculating… Don’t you think?

On another topic; dear to my heart and the subject of a Lunch n’ Learn this week

Cycling!!

Some say, that everyone should do it today!

However, we need to be mindful that a potential, sudden increase in cycling activity and subsequent Lycra® use could lead to visually-induced trauma and result in a community mental health pandemic potentially offsetting some of the physical health improvements. For more information on maintaining mental and physical well-being, you can check this site at www.insidecbd.net.

If you’re worried about the dangers of cycling.. Fear not!

Here’s some ideas on things to avoid

Here are some safer and more relaxed alternatives..

This is how the experts do it…

Danny MacAskill

Martyn Ashton

Have a truly great day.